Day Six: Thankful For Internet

Yesterday I was unable to post because of issues with my computer. Due to the lack of access I had to the internet I realized how much joy I have found because of technology. I think it's healthy to find happiness in the outside world and socialize with people face to face, but I also think you can find a lot of joy on safe websites. I missed being able to look up fun videos and read different online articles. The internet has given me such a variety of outlets to express myself in whichever ways I see appropriate. The day without the internet wasn't awful, I read a few chapters of a book and I wrote in my journals a bit, but I did miss the ability to check up on my friends and see what everyone else was up to during this lovely transition time of the year. I can survive for a while without the internet at my fingertips, but I'm thankful it's opened doors for me to communicate with others and express myself.

Day Five: Thankful For Life

There are many mixed emotions toward Thanksgiving. For some people they view it as a commercial holiday screaming about how every single day we're alive we should be thankful and others see it as an opportunity to pull everyone closer together. I agree that we should be grateful for all our blessings each day that we're here in this world, but I also understand why this holiday means so much to people. I've started talking a bit more about my depression, in fact I've started writing more about my depression in my personal journals and in some stories I'm working on, and I have a lot of progress to make before I can say I'm fully content with myself. When the holiday season comes by I find myself happier with all the decorations and the cheerful music, but there are moments that make me appreciate the gift of life more than I typically would. To clarify for everyone I love that I've been given a chance to live and I never think about doing anything to myself to stop that gift, please understand that I am fully aware and appreciative of my life. When I say there's moments that make me appreciate life more I mean it more along the lines of heightening my love for being here. This morning my mother continued her comedy act from the previous day, she made me smile so much I thought my face would get stuck. In the afternoon my best friend came over to eat with us and the moment she hugged me or would grab my hand for the sake of being allowed to hold it, I felt a warm happiness to be around someone who chooses to put a lot of her affection toward me. When we went to see our other dear friend whom was so determined to see us she was willing to do the one thing that terrifies and annoys her most to come see us, she was willing to drive. As soon as she admitted to almost jumping in the car and driving to my house just so I could get a small cake and she could see me I was hit with a reminder that to some people out here in this life that I matter that much to them. I felt the love. Even after everyone parted ways to return to their own homes, I felt so much love hanging in the air. I still feel it even as the day is almost over and everyone will continue on with their schedules tomorrow as if nothing had happened the day before. It's moments like the ones I had today that make me take a moment to inhale the fresh air outside and value that I am a breathing, functioning, and loved person. Whenever my mind turns against me and the world is muted down in color, I hold onto these little fragments of my memory to motivate me to keep trying. I don't have to always succeed or force myself to be happy, but I do have to keep trying because this life can be so beautiful, especially once you meet all the right people who will genuinely care about you, and no one should let that slip away.

Day Four: Thankful For My Mom

My mother is an exceptional woman and that isn't up for debate. From the moment I was born she made me the focal point of her whole world, selflessly putting anything and anyone else aside to keep me as the number one priority. Today, as we prepared for our Thanksgiving feast and celebration tomorrow with a gathering of family and friends, my mother kept seeking out my laughter and she accomplished her mission. We ranted together about the poorly thought out plans people make and we laughed at terrible puns as well as inside jokes. Her sarcastic commentary as I began baking a cake for tomorrow was enough to make me stop in the middle of stirring to double over in a fit of giggles and when she eventually couldn't keep up the indifferent facial expression she broke character, her laughter over powering mine. It made me feel proud to be the source of such a glorious sound. Even as I type this post for the blog she sits across the room on the couch flipping through a holiday magazine, completely amused and yet totally unaware of what I'm writing. These moments are when I feel the most love for my mother because I can view her as the woman that she is, not just the mother figure she's always been to me and I find her beautiful and full of life. I wouldn't be here without my mother, I wouldn't be who I am without my mother, and I can't imagine my life without her presence.